I don't drink hot liquids of any kind.... that's the Devil's temperature.

Hi Blog world. I have so much to update about!

First of all, WELCOME to my new readers!!!! I have been slutting myself up and down the world trying to get people to read this and it just may have paid off. Also, feel free to comment at any moment!!!!

Now what's new in my life?

Well,

Yesterday I took my drug test for the city of Cottage Grove. I start with the kids on Monday, so I had to go in and piss in a cup first to make sure I wasn't gonna be smoking pot around and/or with the kids (which, let's be honest I am the kids' ONLY connection to the good shit). Anyway, I hate drug tests. Not out of fear of testing positive, but because it is overall just a humiliating and dehumanizing experience. First, you have some bitch ask you in front of EVERYONE whether or not you need water or if you are ready to pee now. Thanks, by the way, I am four years old and need you to hold the cup to make sure I can aim correctly! Secondly, she is SO impersonal about it! She prepared the cup while talking on the phone with some other bitch (medical clinic gossip) and then brought me to the bathroom, told me to pee then open the door so I could wash my hands. She had to give me special soap to wash my hands with. I really don't get it.

Anyway, I peed up to the line and they didn't even use all the pee. She just poured like half of it into a vile and then made me initial the vile. It was gross. THEN I left, and I really have been wondering all day and night what she did with the rest of my urine. I want it back, bitch.

Okay, next order of business. It's official!!!! I am CPR-Certified! I learned yesterday how to breathe life into a dummy and pump the fuck out of a heart if need be. Although I am pretty certain if anyone was really dying around me, I would pretend I wasn't certified because it all just seems to stressful for me.

In other news, I watched The Exorcist last night with Mallorie. I guess I didn't realize that showing that movie to my 12-year-old sister was a bad idea, but she did pretty well. She really stuck it out and only gasped a little bit when the demon child jabbed a crucifix into her hoo-ha. It was all good family fun. I had to explain to Mal that every good human experiences Exorcist trauma when they are young, and I denied her request to sleep in my room with me that night because she was going to have nightmares.

This weekend I am attending a party in Duluth with Mr. James Hansen and Ms. Stacy Fuelle. It is 1920's themed, and I am strongly considering showing up in blackface (in honor of Obama's nomination, of course). Would that be too offensive or appropriate to the theme? Let me know.

Oh one more thing. I was talking to Barack last night ( you know, Obama), and he told me that he wants to be President only so that he can legalize gay marriage and ask for my hand. That's how in love we are.

Wrap it up,

Matty B.